Recently I've been yo-yoing between liking my body and feeling massive. When I look in the mirror, I generally like what I see. Yes, I could do with some toning up, but other than that there's nothing wrong with my size. I'm a size 10 which is in no way large. However, when I look back at old pictures of myself from 2-1 years ago, or I try on clothes that used to be baggy on me, I feel massive and realise the weight I've put on.
Last night, for example. We were having a Halloween get together at our flat and I put on my Daphne costume. It fit but it was quite tight and I remember 2 years ago how it hung off of me and I got pretty bummed out thinking about how much weight I must have put on.
But then it hit me.
My weight now is my normal weight. For my height, its the average weight that I should be. A couple of years ago, or even last year, however, my weight was a few pounds away from being on the underweight scale for my height.
Back then I knew that I had lost some weight because I was running a lot, but I still thought I was quite big when I looked in the mirror. Looking back at pictures of me then, however, and I can see how skinny I was.
The day that picture was taken I remember feeling really uncomfortable wearing a bikini all day in front of people, and thinking my stomach was looking bloated or my legs looked big but looking at the picture now, I wish I could go back to that size! And then I remember how unhappy I was then.
Back then I was running 5k almost every day. And although I do miss being so motivated about going to the gym and being able to run 5k in the time that I used to be able to, I also remember how running was my escape. I wasn't able to process the thoughts in my head, and my mind and emotions were so muddled up which was so upsetting and confusing for me, and it all made me retreat into myself. When I was running however, my mind was able to clear up for a bit. For some reason, I was able to process my feelings and thoughts better when I was on the treadmill and it made me feel happier and stronger. And so it became quite addictive. It was the only time when my thoughts and feelings weren't really consuming me.
So yes, I am bigger now than when I was back then. But I'm fine with my body and I also know that I'm bigger because I don't have the need to run everyday to sort out my mind. I'm happy with the fact that I'm happier in myself and so I don't need to rely on the treadmill anymore. The fact that I've put on weight means that I've sorted out my mind and I'm not addicted to the feeling that running gave me. And I'm happy about that. So although I'm bigger, I'm fine with my body and I'm actually proud of the weight I've put on (in a strange way) because it shows that I've overcome that period in my life and I'm better for it.